A Lament for Shepard
by Bloody Pheonix
Summary: After the events of Mass Effect 3 the Milky Way is struggling to put itself back together, but Liara T'Soni is caught up in her grief for Commander Shepard.


Disclaimer: Don't own Mass Effect, not making money off of this.

A/N: This story is a companion piece to 1Syphira's 'A Lament for Thessia' and therefore mentions the content of that fic. Reading it is recommended, a lot.

Also since this takes place after Mass Effect 3 I'm assuming some things. The biggest is that the Normandy crash landed on Nevos.

* * *

"I managed to get a hold of a copy of 'Fleet and Flotilla', Tali and I were going to set up a screening in Engineering with Adams, Donnelly and Daniels. You want to join us?" Garrus proposed as they waited for the airlock to clear.

"I'm grateful for the offer Garrus, truly but I have to consult with Matriarch Senya in a few hours. I was hoping to get some sleep." Liara replied as the door chimed and opened.

Garrus removed his helmet as they stepped onto the Normandy's deck. "We just finished a consult with Captain Wu on stabilizing the Eezo core, after a five hour conference on resource acquisition, now you're going solo to another one?"

"I still have most of the information from my network. I'm sitting on one of the biggest information caches in the galaxy. Though it is tiring, the work is fulfilling."

"I'm glad you enjoy it, I miss getting my hands dirty. As soon as I get cleared to help the salvage crews I'll be on the first shuttle. How are you healing?" Garrus followed her into the elevator and set the Engineering deck as the destination.

"On the surface I've healed completely, Dr. Chakawas says that I'm still at risk for internal bleeding if I were to fall victim to vicious combat biotics. Very little chance of that here."

Garrus chuckled. "She won't clear me for a few weeks; she's still worried about my plating not growing back where it fused to my suit. I told her it can take the abdominal exoskeleton months to fully reform, but she won't listen to me."

"I could talk to her for you, I'm sure she'll take my opinion into consideration."

"Oh no Liara, I don't want to add to your plate. Besides Tali is enjoying the time we have together. Once we get the Relays back up we'll probably never see this much of each other. She's an Admiral, so she'll be expected to move to Rannoch and I'm probably the next Primarch candidate if Victus steps down or is killed. If I were to jump on shuttle tomorrow, well bosh'tet isn't the only insult quarians have. I appreciate the thought though."

The elevator stopped on the Engineering Deck, prompting Garrus to step out with a salutation. Liara hit the control to take her to the shuttle bay.

Most of the meetings about the mass relay were taking place on the largest, but still unstable piece of the old one. They'd done their best to seal the hunk of junk off from space but weak points in the hull and the near constant ship traffic meant nearly constant hull breaches. Environmental suites were required to access the conference station to prevent any more loss of life. That policy meant that Liara saw more of Steve Cortez and James Vega than any other crew members.

"Hey it's the Singularity!" Vega called as she stepped out of the elevator. "Back so soon? Esteban and I were just starting to miss you."

"I've been gone for seven hours, but you'll probably see me in three." Liara replied as she approached the armor locker. "Though the two of you should rest before I suite up again. And I told you to stop calling me that."

"No can do." Cortez spoke up. "I've got to repair the Kodiak for another salvage run in an hour."

"It got damaged on the last one?" The asari glanced up from the chest piece she was unfastening.

"Yeah, one of the salarian shuttles lost their cargo and it slammed up broadside. Knocked down our thruster capacity." Liara pulled off the chest piece and stowed it in the locker.

"The damage was severe?" She asked as she pulled off the greaves.

"Two hour mission, four hours of repair. We were lucky there wasn't any Eezo trace or Mr. Vega would be missing one of those guns he works so hard to maintain."

"The better to hold you with my dear." James called from inside the shuttle. The shoulder and arm pieces came off easily.

"I hope the next one is safer."

"Nah then it'd just be boring." Cortez chuckled as she gathered the pieces of her suit and shoved it into the locker.

"I'll see you boys later." Liara tossed over her shoulder as she boarded the elevator. The ride was smoother this time as the carriage rose through the ship's decks. The doors slid open to reveal the door to the Captain's Cabin.

She felt a twinge of regret that she'd lied to Garrus but she couldn't have told him. He'd have stopped her. These days everyone was trying to keep her away from Shepard. Liara let her hand hover over the control pad for a few seconds before punching in the code. Behind the door was not the empty cabin she'd expected but Ashley Williams gazing at Shepard's fishtank.

"Lieutenant, I didn't expect to find you here."

"That's why I'm here. No one ever looks here. It gives me an hour or so to clear my head. I can see why Shepard liked these fish so much. I used to think she was crazy for spending so much on them. Did you know she spent almost thirty thousand credits on the filtration system? Those eels were another ten thousand."

"I'm aware." Liara responded. "With the filtration system, Shepard spent forty seven thousand credits on this tank and twelve thousand five hundred on the ships. During her mission to stop the collectors, I may have become a bit obsessed with keeping track of her. The habit is transitive. On Ilium I had a similar collection of fish." She settled into Shepard's chair. "What do you think about when you're up here?"

"Just standard human insecurities I guess. How did I get here, am I doing enough? I'm in over my head here, just an N7 marine with a few too many titles to avoid commanding a ship when my C.O. died. Now I'm supposed to help build a Mass Relay? I miss my shit assignments."

"You're doing great, Lieutenant."

"Ashley. Call me Ashley."

"You're doing well, Ashley." Liara amended. "Shepard used to tell me to make a sword you have to temper the metal. Her exact words were 'a piece of space junk can be a weapon if you toss it in a fire to beat the hell out of it.' She has a habit of doing that to people around her. I didn't know I had the potential to be an information broker until I had to get her body back. An N7 marine can build a Relay if an archeologist can become the Shadow Broker."

"Thanks Liara." The Spectre straightened and turned to face her. "How are you holding up? I now you're probably sick of hearing that. Constantly getting asked but no one wants to hear anything but fine. So tell me the truth. How are you?"

"I feel cold and empty. I've been here before, mourning Shepard, coming to terms with her death. Last time I had a project to lose myself in when the pain was too much. These days, I have a project and a big role to play but I don't see a point to any of it. I know that my Shepard isn't coming back, no matter what I do. If we reestablish the Relay network I could become the Shadow Broker, but I don't want to be the Broker. I never did. I took that mantle to help her. Goddess I loved her and now I have nothing. I'm so lost without her." Liara pressed a hand to her forehead. "Some days I feel so pathetic. Shepard and I had a conversation about human beliefs on death and the afterlife. We spent hours debating the concept of a soul after she explained ghosts to me. The day after we hung her plaque on the memorial wall I nearly killed myself casting my mind around the ship hoping to find her consciousness. I fainted up here in her bed. EDI alerted Dr. Chakawas. I think that was the most embarrassing moment of my life, having to come up with a lie to hide that."

Ashley knelt as tears began flowing from her eyes. "How did that almost kill you?" She asked, genuinely curious.

"Establishing a meld requires pules of biotic energy. It's not strenuous to keep up one you've linked, but boosting your consciousness into dead place for an extended period of time drains even the most skilled biotic. It didn't help that I dreamt and kept sending pulses subconsciously."

"A meld?" Williams looked perplexed.

Liara managed a chuckle through her tears. "I supposed you wouldn't know much about asari physiology. When my people are intimate, we link consciousness's with our partner. It is called 'melding'."

"What did you dream about?" Williams asked almost without thought. "You don't have to answer that, it was rude to ask."

Liara held up a hand. "It's fair, I suppose. You've revealed some of your deepest insecurities and allowed me to vent some of my grief. I can tell you about a dream. After Thessia fell and Shepard galvanized me to help the refugees, she came back to see me sometime after, a day maybe two. We made love; it didn't start out that way. It started out in a much more raw fashion, but she managed to 'give me what I needed and not what I asked for' I believe that is a common phrase among human doctors. It was one of the last times we made love, I dreamt about that. I was trying to meld with Shepard in my sleep."

"How come that doesn't happen all the time? I think dream biotics would be a topic ripe for discussion if it were common."

"Among humans it is rare because biotics don't manifest naturally in your kind, among Asari it is similar to bed wetting. Done mostly be small untrained children and quickly remedied. A more scientific explanation would be that biotics manifesting in the subconscious mind of a trained user happens only when the user is severely exhausted or emotionally erratic. I met both of those criteria." Liara suddenly felt very tired. "I should sleep. I have a few hours until I have to leave again."

"How long has it been since you slept Liara?"

"I managed a nap thirteen hours ago."

"I meant real sleep, in a bed after a hot meal for at least six uninterrupted hours."

"When was the last time rested like that?" Liara shot back.

Ashely grinned. "Touché, but answer my question."

"I think I managed five and half hours after we set off from Nevos. Specialist Traynor threatened me with handcuffs. Since arriving here I've been doing what I can.

"One last question, why do you come up here?"

Liara ran her hand over her crest with a sigh. "It's all I have left of her. It still smells like her, her ships are here, her fish. The music that she ripped from Aria's playlist in the Afterlife and let play here all the time, I used to hate it. Now I can't get enough of it. I talk to the room, like she can hear me, I tell her about the progress on the Relay, I ask her about the Citadel, inform her of how much I miss her. Sometimes when I come up here I get so angry. I scream and weep until I'm empty again, and then I feel like a fool. Shepard gave her life to save the galaxy, save me and all I can think about is how alone she left me. I wouldn't be 'alone' if it weren't for her, I'd be dead. Sometimes I think even that is preferable to my current existence. I know I'm unworthy of the love we shared in this state, so full of sorrow and hate."

The human's hand settled on her shoulder. "I understand. I was in a similar place after Kaiden died on Vrmire. It's just so easy to hate someone after you let them get close. It's hard to ignore the feelings of abandonment after a violent death. Some days I think about him and I just get so mad because he didn't have to die there. There's an ancient human adage 'remember the good times, not the bad' you don't realize just how hard that is until someone goes up in a fire ball to save you."

"You and Lieutenant Alenko were close?"

"Getting close. We were friendly from the moment I arrived on the ship on Eden Prime but he spent most of his free time trying to impress the Commander. After she expressed interest in you, he let had more free time. We started talking between shifts. Talking became flirting, and then he kissed me once."

"That did not end well?" Liara was almost smiling at her, having dried her tears with her palms.

"I threatened to have him stripped of his commission and court martialed. The next conversation we had, we were arguing over who got to arm the nuke on Vrmire. I was angry at him at first, then at Shepard, then at myself and now I'm not as angry. I'm moving on. Kaiden and I didn't have anything close to you and Shepard, but over time it stops hurting so much."

"I'm sure it will, eventually." Liara assured her. "Right now it's hard to imagine that outside of the abstract."

"Get some sleep T'soni." Ashley ordered, standing. "I don't want you leaving my ship for the next ten hours. I'll have Traynor reschedule everything you'd have missed. My consequences are much scarier than handcuffs."

"If you insist Lieutenant." Liara allowed the officer to pull her to her feet.

"I'll be informing EDI of my orders. She won't let you off." Ashley warned, a smile pulling at her lips.

"I should go." Liara said, her lips dipping slightly into a frown. She started toward the door but stopped and turned back to Ashley. "Thank you Lieutenant. I needed this, to talk. To lament for Shepard outside of myself."

"No problem. Now go get some rest. I'm going to stay up here for a little while longer." Ashley pinched the bridge of her nose. "I've got a half an hour before I get to negotiate for resources with one of the asari oilers. A few more weeks on E-Rations and the crew will mutiny. I'm certain Joker is the ringleader." She mumbled on but it was lost on Liara after she passed the threshold of the door.


End file.
